Real Talk: Confidence = Advocating (Help Your Children Stand Up for Themselves)
How do we teach kids to speak up for themselves?
As I’ve talked about in previous blogs, building self-esteem is key to building kids confidence in handling different situations. When we build confidence, children believe in their own abilities to solve their problems without the immediate help of parents.
What is your role?
Do you notice that you are the hero in every situation? Do you swoop in to save your child when they fall down, get into an argument with another kid, get a negative mark on their school paper?
Try not to always be the savior. Observe from afar and know that your child can figure it out. Be there in case they do need you, but see how they handle the situation first. Of course if something is a safety concern you want to jump in immediately and help to teach your child why that was unsafe.
Practice Advocating. Have your child practice asking for what they want and need in a calm neutral environment.
Role Play- Set up stuffed animals and create scenarios in which your child has to ask for something.
Example: “Excuse me Frank the bunny, you are sitting in my seat. Can you please move to your seat?” Have them practice using a confident stance, eye contact or looking toward the person (or stuffed animal) they are talking to, and appropriate volume.
Simple Real Life Practice- When your child is around people that he/she knows (e.g. your neighbors) encourage them to ask for something.
Example: “Can I pet your dog?” “Can I use your bathroom?” “Can I have a drink of water?” “How do you play this game?”
Low Stakes Practice- Start slowly. Have your child practice asking for something they need in an everyday situation.
Example: Have your child ask for another fork at the restaurant or ask how much an item is at a store.
Support Your child
Work to be supportive and encouraging. Try not to scold your child for not speaking up.
Instead of asking “why didn’t you speak up?” say “I noticed it was hard to ask for what you needed. I wonder what you were feeling.” This helps your child feel understood and seen rather than shamed. This gives them the opportunity to talk about their feelings instead of making them feel interrogated.
Show your child that you are partnering with them. Sometimes we need to be the advocates for our child. And sometimes we need to let them build on these skills so that they can advocate for themselves. Instead of doing everything for your child, partner with them. Instead of asking the children for your child’s turn on the swings, tell your child that you will stand with them in line and he/she can ask for a turn.
Focus on the process not the result. When building confidence in kids, we want to praise the effort rather than the outcome. The most important thing is that they tried. They may not always get the outcome they want so remind them that the most important part is that they tried.
Time to Speak Up
In a real life situations, there may be times that you notice your child is really struggling to speak up. Below are some different ways to encourage your child.
Giving Them the Words: Sometimes the first thing that goes “offline” in a stressful situation is our language acquisition. The part of the brain that pulls language gets distracted by the intense feeling and struggles to find the words. Help them find the words by offering some options. Example: “You look a little overwhelmed. Do you want to ask to play with them or do you want to ask to take turns on the slide?”
Silent Supporter: Physical presence may be all they need. Stand close enough to your child that they feel supported and focus your attention on them. Provide a smile and nods of encouragement.
Verbal Encouragement: If your child comes back over to you and asks for your help, provide words of encouragement. Example: “You got this.” “Start with I need.”
Remember that sometimes you will have to watch your child struggle in order for them to learn. As your child grows up, you will not be with your child all the time and building their confidence to try things on their own before asking for help is an important skills for kids to develop.
They aren’t learning that they dont need you. They are learning that you trust that they can do things on their own.
