Real Talk: When things seem like a “Big Deal” to your kids: How to Handle Disappointment

“It not a big deal!” May be a phrase you hear yourself saying alot in your house. What feels like a “little deal” to you, may feel like a “big deal” to your kids. Even when the situation seems overdramatic, remember that your child may have a different experience.

Disappointment

Disappointment may come strong and quick for your child. They may not be able to anticipate a disappointment and regulate this feeling like adults. Think of the disappointment as a pop of a balloon. Its sudden, loud, and strong.

Acknowledge the pop

Make eye contact and get down to their level. Verbally acknowledge what you observed and how you saw it manifest in their body. Stay close and give them space to feel their disappointment. Avoid offering solutions or trying to make it better right away, the goal is to show they that you understand and help them to also understand how they feel.

Example: It is summertime and you were planning on bringing your child to the waterpark but when you woke up it was storming outside. You child runs to the window and sees the weather. You tell them that you won’t be able to go today. ''I know that's really disappointing. I can tell your upset by how your looking down a the ground. I’m right next to you if you need me.”

Offer Choices

Give them a little time to calm down before offering alternatives. Notice how their body language may have changed. If you rush into

giving choices too early, they may feel even more upset. Wait until they seem ready to listen. This may mean telling them you will come back in 5 minutes if it is helpful to give them time alone.

Example: You notice your child looking at you instead of the ground. “We can't do what we planned, but I have an idea. Maybe we can come up with something fun to do instead. What do you think?"

If you notice that your child does not respond or becomes more upset you can continue to provide space. “Looks like you are needing some more time to feel sad about this. I will come back in 5 minutes and we can figure out what other fun things we can do today.”

Build Resilience

Help them connect how they were feeling and show them that they were able to handle that disappointment. Later on or even the next day, help them reflect on the situation by naming what happened and what they did to get through it. Help them reframe their thought pattern from “this is the worst” to “I can handle challenges”.

Example: "I know that was a big disappointment and I’m proud of how you handled it. You showed a lot of strength. And we still had a great day.”

Don’t Dismiss the Feelings

Sometimes disappointment is just disappointing and cannot be replaced. They may say “it’s not fair” When they're mid-upset When they say “it's not fair”, push you away, or choose to not find a solution. This may mean staying in the feelings for a longer time. Give your child space and time to move through this feeling. Sit with them, acknowledge the loss, and avoid trying to make it better right away.

Example: “I know this just feels awful! I am disappointed too.”

Remeber to still come back later to build confidence for next time. Remind them that they have overcome this before.