Real Talk: Positive Parent or Push Over Parent?
Remember learning about the 3 different parenting styles: Authoritative, Authoritarian, and Permissive? Authoritarian parenting has very strict rules with little room for negotiation, permissive parents have very little rules and avoid conflict, and authoritative parents work with their children to negotiate, set clear rules, and have open communication. Somewhere along the line we dropped all these styles of parenting and created new ones. Gentle and positive parenting have been the new trend.
Gentle Parenting: Gentle parenting has much research to back it up. It focuses on empathy, respect, and clear rules/boundaries rather than punishment and rewards. Parents focus on emotional intelligence and try to understand their child’s behavior. They help kids understand why a rule is in place. Discipline consists of validation child’s feeling and offering choices rather than traditional punishments.
Positive Parenting: This is also a widely researched parenting approach. This approach focuses on the parent-child bond with little to no punishment. These parents focus on the child’s character and enforce boundaries. They teach accountability by using natural and logical consequences.
Both of these approaches overlap. Positive parenting focuses on long term character building with natural consequences and gentle parenting focuses on the immediate moment using empathy and emotional attunement.
So how is this differnt than permissive parenting?
Permissive parents lack rules. Gentle and positive parenting have clear boundaries and guide the child rather than shaming or forcing. But you need rules and boundaries! This is how a child feels safe. My mother was a teacher and she told me a story about a little boy in her class who screamed and cried and broke all the rules because he did not have many at home. My mother set firm boundaries in her classroom and at the end of the year this child was hugging my mother and telling her that she is his favorite teacher.
Setting Limits
In child centered play therapy, we set limits and enforce limits when something is not permissible. ACT limit setting.
A: Acknowledge the Feeling. This helps children to feel seen and know that their feelings are valid.
C: Communicate the Limit. Explain that even though their feeling are valid, there are still rules.
T: Target an Alternative. Give a child 2 options so that they feel somewhat in control. Sometimes when a child behaves in a nonpermissible way they 1. may not know what is actually allowed, 2. are testing limits, or 3. are seeking control. Providing alternative options for a child who seeks control gives them an opportunity to make a choice.
Example: Tommy was attempting to color on the walls.
A: “Tommy, I know you think it would be fun to do that.”
C: “And the walls are not for coloring on.”
T: “You can color on this piece of paper or this tissue box.”
Parent Homework
Positive parenting is tough. It can feel easier to scold and remove all their toys and privileges when they are misbehaving.
Patience: This type of parenting requires significant patience. Seeing positive results takes time and consistency.
Coregulation: It is important that you balance your own needs and emotions. If you struggle to manage your emotions in a high stress situation, this type of parenting may feel more challenging to you. Your child feeds off your your emotional energy and will learn to regulate when you are regulated. It is important to do your own work and talk to your own therapist to process and manage your feelings to better help your child.
Parenting judgement: Other parents may see you as a soft or passive parent. You own parents may give you the same feedback and say “Back when I was a kid, my parent beat me with a switch and I turned out fine.”
Remember that positive parenting is not permissive parenting. You don’t let your child push you around. You are the adult and you set the boundaries. AND you work to help your child understand the boundaries, understand their emotions, and feel supported.
