Real Talk with Adrienne
Real Talk: Fixing The Boredom with A Screen: Do The Pros Outweigh The Cons?
Being a parent is a full time job. And if you already have a full time job, parenting is a second full time job. Then you have the responsibilities of being an adult (e.g. running errands, cleaning, cooking, etc.) and taking care of yourself (e.g. showering, brushing your teeth, feeding yourself). How do you do all of this plus entertain and take care of another human or two? Screens (e.g. TV, tablet, video games, phones) can feel like respite. One to two episodes of Paw Patrol while you do laundry, 1 hour of video gaming while you take a work call, Minecraft on the tablet at the restaurant while you have dinner with a friend.
How many times a day do you hear your child yelling for you because they are bored? And how did parents do it in the years without television, tablets, and internet?
In previous blog posts, I discussed the brain and our constant need for stimulation. We seek dopamine and the many types of screen feed that urge. Those with developing brains (i.e. children) seek this stimulation even more and build a tolerance thus leading to need more to get the same “hit”.
What Happens When We Solve Child’s Boredom With Screen Time
Two important brain networks to highlight are the Central Executive Network (CEN) and the Default Mode Network (DMN). The CEN helps to focus attention during tasks (i.e. schoolwork) and the DMN is active during daydreaming and imagination. Boredom often times leads to the activation of the DMN. Experts at the Child Mind Institute, discuss how boredom helps children develop problem-solving skills, flexibility, organizational skills, and future planning. It is not the boredom itself that helps develop these skills but children choose to do when they are bored. Boredom can be highly distressing for children and can lead to emotional dysregulation. Children must learn to sit with boredom and problem solve.
Get Curious
When your child says they are bored, explore it. Ask them what they are experincing, how they are feeling, what do they wish they were doing. Keep it neutral and nonjudgmental. Don’t try to fix their boredom for them. If you jump to fix this, they will learn how to gain your attention and never learn how to problem solve on their own.
Foster agency
When a child learns that they have the capability to problem solve their boredom this fosters a sense of agency. They will begin to believe that they can influence their own life circumstances. When you foster agency, you eliminate boredom. When they begin to feel bored they know they have the capability to solve this discomfort and find something to do with their time.
Be Proactive
Talk about boredom when they aren't bored. “Remember yesterday? How did it feel? What do you normally do when you feel this way? What could you do?” Help your child make a list of options and long term projects. This can help get the child started on some ideas. This does not mean this list will work everytime, but it can be a starting point. Try to add creative activities to the list as creativity is a good way to eliminate boredom.
Caution: Attention-Seekers
When a child refuses everything on their list, they may just want your attention. You can call this out. “It looks like you just want to talk/hang out with me.” If you get into a back and forth with them this is still rewarding as you are continuing to give them your attention. Keep this interaction brief and provide two choices. “You can choose _____ or _____.” Give them a moment to choose and if they do not, you choose for them and remind them of times when you are available to spend time with them. “Bobby, it looks like you just want to talk/hang out with me and right now I am cooking dinner. You can choose to play with your LEGOS or draw…. I looks like you do not want to choose, so I will chose for you. After I am done cooking we can talk and eat dinner together.” This is to be done if you notice that the boredom is more attention-seeking.
How You View Boredom
How you respond to your child’s boredom can also shape how they respond. View it with excitement and curiosity instead of dread and annoyance. Let your child be bored. They will build frustration tolerance, learn independence,build problem-solving skills, learn more about themselves, and increase self-confidence. “I know it feels uncomfortable to be bored and this is when your brain gets to be really creative.”
Real Talk: You are more susceptible to screen overuse (addiction) if you are Neurodiverse.
I am using the word addiction loosely here. I want to be clear that there is a difference between clinical addiction and the way most people in society discuss addiction. But it is important to understand that overall, our screen time use is rapidly increasing and putting us at risk for addictive behaviors. And if you have any type of neurodiversity (e.g. Autism or ADHD) you are at an even greater risk. Let’s break this down a little.
High Stimulation
Screen time is highly stimulating. Think about Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, the slow paced kids show teaching kids about kindness. Now we have Paw Patrol with fast paced scenes (about 10 scene changes per minute). Popular video games are paired with loud explosions and gun fire and bright realistic looking (although artificial) scenery. Those with ADHD are dopamine seekers. Their body is under stimulated and seek this type of stimulation. The more stimulation they received, the more their tolerance builds, and they more they need to get the same dopamine hit. Autistic individuals can also have an under stimulation of different sense. Their body feels that are not getting the level of stimulation they need- this could be visual or auditory- and screen time (e.g. video games, YouTube, shows, social media) are feeding this need.
Predictability
Those on the Autism spectrum are typically black and white thinkers. Understanding the “gray” or predicting people’s behavior can many times be difficult. Video games are fairly predictable, you press the x button you jump, you go to this area of the game and the moster comes out.
Fantasy
Whether you are playing Fortnite or watching Stranger Things, these forms of entertainment pull you out of real life and into a fantasy realm. The world is not set up for the Neurotypical brains and believe it or not, fantasy- with its dragons, fireballs, and ghosts- can feel safer to the neurodiverse person. You can escape into a world where anything is possible. The girl finds true love from the prince, the superhero saves the day, the disabled child falls into the magical river and can walk again.
Second Chances
Video games can feel safer than the real world. If you do something wrong in a video game you have a second chance. If you die in a video game you usually have a certain number of lives or go back to a check-point where you come back to life and try again. In the real world if you forget to study for a test, you punch a peer, you forget look both ways before turning into traffic, you will have serious consequence and may not get a second chance to redeem yourself.
Limited Social Pressure
Socialization can come as a challenge for Autistic individual as they may struggle with perspective taking, understanding social cues, and reading nonverbal cues. As a result they may suffer from social anxiety. In video games, many times there are NPC (non-playable characters) with predictable conversation that the player can chat with. You can choose to play with others online and can mute an interaction if you wish. Television can get you sucked into a scenario of conversation without the pressure to respond. Social media is an outlet to connect and many people choose to just absorb the content rather than comment or post their own content. You may feel a sense of connection or meet a social need without the pressure to think of how to respond.
Research out the The University of Rochester Medical Center, Amen Institute, University College London, and other studies, reveal structural changes in the developing brain from screen overuse. Some have found similarities in these brains and those with substance use disorders. The neurodiverse individual already has structural differences, now add a screen and your changing the brain even more.
So do we take it away?
Not necessarily.
To many kids on the spectrum, video gaming, YouTube, and shows, is their special interest. We are ALL allowed to have a special interest. If you loved watching soccer, how would you feel if someone said you cannot watch soccer ever again? If your child only want to talk about RoBlox, help your child to be flexible talking about other topics.
Many neurodiverse kids find video gaming or social media as their form of socialization. Their online gaming friends may be their best friends that one day they may meet.
We live in a world full of screens, AI, and software that functions like a video game. We must learn how to live and navigate this world. We must educate and help kids to see how to control urges and find other outlets for stimulation.
Real Talk: “Don’t sit too close to the TV, it’ll rot your brain.”
Remember this common phrase coined by sitcom moms in the 60s? From radiation to eye damage, parents were worried about the impact of screens on their children’s health. Now in 2026, we have mini screens that we take with us everywhere, living in our pockets, held inches away from our faces, tablets and laptops that perch on our laps for half the day, screens that light the room until we fall asleep.
Brain Anatomy
Lets first talk about the brain and neurotransmitters.
Dopamine- Dopamine is the neurotransmitter that is linked to motivation and then helps you to focus. You might hear this related to pleasure but actually this has more to do with motivation and desire than pleasure. Dopamine motivates you to read a book or finish a chore. If it is low, it is difficult to focus and therefore difficult to finish a task.
Oxytocin- This neurotransmitter is related to connection and closeness. It helps you to feel safe and calm. When you hug someone you love this is released. If it is low, anxiety can occur.
Endorphins- This neurotransmitter and hormone is released during pain, stress, or pleasure. This is the body’s natural painkillers and coping skill. Endorphins push the body really hard. Endorphins are released during a race to run fast and then when finished a natural calm is felt. Low endorphin levels often result in depression, anxiety, moodiness, and difficulty sleeping and can also trigger impulsive behaviors, addiction, and be linked to low motivation.
Serotonin- Serotonin is a neurotransmitter and hormone that helps regulate mood and sleep. It is often released from getting natural sunlight. This is considered the body's natural mood booster. When low, you can experince depression and anxiety.
Screens and The Brain
Think back to our ancestors, they would get a couple of dopamine spikes a day. They worked hard to gather berries, start a fire, or kill the animal for a meal and get rewarded (dopamine release). Now, we get thousands of spikes a day from screen time use. We are artificially stimulating and creating dopamine. Kids nowadays are choosing dopamine over oxytocin and serotonin when they are alone in their rooms with their devices. Parents, remember when you would spend all day riding your bikes with your friends outside? We need a balance of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. When these are out of sync we see spikes in anxiety, stress, and depression.
Our ancestors’ stress was usually related to seeing a predator. They would see a predator, adrenaline and endorphins kick in and they would run. After they run and would achieve a self of safety they would feel a nature calm and the stress cycle would complete. Nowadays, kids are in a constant state of stress (e.g. bullying, homework, etc.). There is no escape or relief and the stress builds without the release of the endorphins to help calm their systems. Screens make this even worse when many times they are the source of the stress.
Finding Balance
How do we balance these neurotransmitters in a time when screens are so prevalent? How do we complete our stress cycle so the stress does not build?
Dopamine-Natural dopamine production can come from finishing a task. Have your child create a chores list (e.g. make the bed; clean their room). This may not be something that they enjoy doing, but once the task is finish, dopamine is released.
Oxytocin- Physical touch is the best and easiest way to release oxytocin. If you or your child is neurodiverse and one does not like hugs, animals/pets can serve as a great alternative. Other ways involve sitting close to your child, hand massages, painting nails, or sensory bushing.
Serotonin- Find time every day if weather permitting, for your child to spend time outside away from screens (e.g. bike rides, walks in the neighborhood, time at the park, playing sports).
Endorphins- Exercise is the most common form of releasing endorphins but also singing, creativity, and laughter involves the release of endorphins.
In Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski discuss different ways to complete the stress cycle. The most common way is exercise. Laughter, creativity, and connection is another way to ensure you cycle completes and brings your back to a level of homeostasis. Ensure your child has exercise, creative expression, or time with friends or family each day (unrelated to screen time). And everything I shared above is not just for your children, but also for adults too. We all need to ensure that we balance our neurotransmitters, limit screen time, and complete our stress cycles. So maybe these moms of the 60s were onto something when they said these screens would rot our brains.
Real Talk: Why do kids lie?
Why do kids lie?
The ability to lie is linked to cognitive development. Theory of Mind is the ability to understand that others have their own thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions, which may differ from one's own.
2-3 year olds lie typically to get out of a consequence. Lying at this age is not deceptive. Young child logic: “If I tell mom I did not break the picture, she will not get mad which means I did nothing wrong.”
3-4 year olds begin to experiment with lying as they start to understand their thoughts can differ from others, but do not fully understand the moral implications. They understand right from wrong but their desire to please adults is usually greater than the desire to be honest.
At 5 years old, children have typically refined their Theory of Mind skills.
4-6 year old may start lying intentionally to avoid punishment, gain approval, or test boundaries.
How to handle lying
Stay Calm: try to keep a neutral tone.
Discuss the Importance of Honesty.
Use Logical Consequence Not Punishments: If they lie about doing chores then they must complete the chore before a prefered activity.
Model Honesty: Kids learn from what they see. If a parent say “I give you an extra cookie but don’t tell Mom” they are learning that withholding information is okay.
Focus on the Behavior, Not the Child: Avoid labels like liar or cheater.
Find Validation: Think about why they may be lying
Imagination: Clint tells his peers that his dog saved a drowning man in the river.
Clint thinks it would be cool for his dog to rescue someone.
Validate his desire “It would be really cool if our dog could do that in real life.”
Desire: Billy lies about having a brother.
Billy has always wanted a brother.
“I know you wish you had a brother, who in your life seems like a brother to you?” Try to have a open conversation and identify the feels and desires.
Avoid punishment: Tisha forgot to do her homework again and created a lie about why she couldn’t complete it.
Tisha thinks if she has an excuse she won’t get into trouble.
“I understand you don’t want to get a 0 on this assignment. What can we do to set you up for success next time?”
Gain approval: Kim told the class she went to Paris over the weekend.
She wanted to impress the girls in the class.
“I know it’s really important to you to be friends with these girls. You do so many other cool things. You could tell them about _________ that you did the other week.”
Evading responsibility: Claire lies about being sick.
She does not want to take a test at school and feels unprepared.
“I know you have a big test today. How are you feeling about it?”
Testing boundaries: Gil told his mom he finished his dinner and instead threw it away.
Gil is trying to see what he can get away with.
Provide Gil choices to help him feel more in control. “Gil, I found your food in the trash. When you choose not to eat your food, you are choosing not to have dessert. When you eat your dinner you are choosing to have dessert”
Seeking attention: Mia told her parents she won a contest at school by running 15 laps around the playground.
Mia wants her parents to be proud of her.
Start to bring attention to things Mia is doing that you can praise. “You like it when I feel proud of you. I am so proud of the hard work you’ve been putting into your school work.”
Notice How You Respond: Lying has a purpose. Children are trying to communicate something to you. If your child lies about low grades/test score, think about how you have reacted in the past. Do you yell and punish your child for these grades? Maybe they are afraid of how you may react this time and it feels safer to lie.
How to help them feel safe to tell the truth
Listen: Listen without blame.
Show empathy and concern.
Use characters they like to help connect and soften the conversation: “What would superman say in this situation?”
Relate by providing a personal example about when you were in a similar situation. “When I was your age, I felt really worried about getting into trouble when I broke something so I would make up stories. But then I remembered that my parents love me and want me to be honest.”
Stick with the facts: “I know you said that you didn’t draw on the wall and your hand has red marker on it”.
Try to make it a learning opportunity: “It is important to you tell the truth so that next time I can show you where the paper is to color on.” OR “I know you said that you did not eat the cookies and I see crumbs on your face. It is important that you tell me when you eat sweets so that you don’t get a tummy ache.”
Thank them when they are honest.
Real Talk: What does Grief, Friendships, and Elevators Have in Common?
Right now, in both my life and the lives of others, I have noticed a theme of loss. Loss, not in the sense of death but instead loss of friendship. We constantly evolve and so do our friends. We change independently with our goals, interests, energy level, health, and time. And we change together as a unit. Some friendships stay intact and flow together, while others dissolve and separate, ebbing in different directions.
For teens this can be a difficult concept to understand. The other day I heard a wonderful analogy to relate to this occurrence. As we change it is like we step onto an elevator. The top floor is our destination, our goals. We make stops at each floor as we make our way up. Each floor being a new stage of life or life event (e.g. middle school, puberty, highschool, first job, etc). Inside our elevator we have our support system. Maybe we started with a packed elevator full of friends, but as we stop at each floor some friends make their exit. As we move through life and move toward the goal, the elevator may get weighted down. Instead of the elevator moving up smooth and steady there are jerks and little movement to the next floor. Maybe the elevator even gets cold and dark.
Notice the people in your elevator. Is anyone holding you back from moving up? It may be time for those people to exit the elevator and make room for new friends to enter. Sometimes new people enter our elevator and the elevator feels light and warm. Notice the shifts. When we are young, we believe everyone to be our friend. We run to the playground and everyone there has become our bestie. Our 5 year birthday party consists of everyone in kindergarten and you rent out the entire party room. As you age, that group becomes smaller and sometimes teens can feel a great sense of loss and sadness as they notice this change.
But what happens when you have a jam packed elevator? It's slow and heavy; it's uncomfortable and stuffy. Sometimes a smaller group of friends can help the elevator move faster and more efficiently.
Real Talk: Neurodiversity: What does this actually mean?
Neuro- brain
Diversity- different
Neurodiversity encompasses the brains that are wired differently than the typical developed brain.
But aren’t all brains different?
Yes, everyone’s brain anatomy is slightly different based on genetics and environmental factors, however those that have neurotypical brains align with the standard brain development that society deems as normal based on social, cognitive, and emotional milestones. Neurodivergent brains have more unique structural differences and process information differently that the typical developing brain.
The neurodiversity movement emphasises that the differences in brain development is not flawed and needs to be fixed but instead views these differences as a function of natural variation of the human genome.
What falls into the category of neurodivergence?
Autism
Brain scans of autistic teens show rapid growth of amygdala. The amygdala helps with the processing of emotions (i.e. specifically, fear, anger, and anxiety) and activates the fight or flight response. The hippocampus is also shown to be larger, which is the memory center. There is also a lot of over connectivity and underconnectivity in certain areas (i.e. the brain communicates alot to one part of the brain but not enough to the other).
Dyslexia
Research shows reduced grey matter volume in those with dyslexia (i.e. the folds of the brain are different that a neurotypical brain).
ADHD
In children with ADHD, the prefrontal cortex is smaller. This is the part of the brain that is in charge of executive functioning, working memory, and attention.
OCD
Images of those with OCD show larger striatum which is involved in habit formation.
Neurodiversity refers to these differences in the brain as just that, differences, not a disability that needs to be cured but a desire for inclusion.
As a therapist that works with the neurodiverse population, my goal isn’t to cure anyone's Autism or ADHD but instead build healthy self-esteem regarding hardships and labels, increase the ability to regulate emotions, and help them navigate the world socially as it isn't always set up to accommodate these brain types.
Real Talk: Mental Health is Not a Metaphor: How Our Words Shape Mental Health Stigma
In day-to-day language we don’t typically stop and think about phrases we often use. Some phrases have been in our vernacular for decades with little pause to what the phrase may actually mean. Here is a list of phrases that perhaps we should reconsider as they relate to mental health.
“The weather is so bipolar.”
What you actually mean: The weather is unpredictable, one minute it’s raining then it’s sunny. When using it to describe a person, it’s probably meant to convey someone’s mood swings up and down, happy then sad/mad.
What the diagnosis of bi-polar really is: Bipolar Disorder is a mental health disorder. It is characterized by alternating episodes of significantly elevated (mania) and depressed mood. TJust because someone is feeling sad and happy within the same day does not constitute a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It is not simply being moody or unpredictable.
“I’m so OCD.”
What you actually mean: You probably have particularities about certain things. You might not like germs or like things to be organized. Being overly organized or conscientious of germs is not disordered.
What the diagnosis of OCD really is: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder involves both obsessions (recurrent and intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that cause significant anxiety or distress) and compulsions (repetitive behaviors or mental acts that the individual feels driven to perform in response to obsessions or according to rigid rules) that cause significant distress and interfere with daily functioning.
“I’m so depressed.”
What you actually mean: Most people experience a state of sadness due to a circumstance that is occurring right now. This is a feeling that you can feel from time to time but is not persistent.
What clinical depression really is: Clinical depression (Major Depressive Disorder) is a long-lasting and severe condition. It involves persistent feelings of hopelessness, fatigue, and a loss of interest in activities, significantly impacting daily life. Feeling depressed isn't simply feeling sad.
“We trauma bonded.”
What you actually mean: Most people feel a connection to people through discussing a similar situation, such as two people that have both experienced a toxic relationship. Maybe you have made a new friend by relating to their similar traumatic event.
What a trauma bond actually means: A trauma bond is when a victim feels a very strong bond or connection to their abuser. There is a pattern of abuse followed by kindness that creates a dependency toward the abuser.
“That’s so psycho/crazy.”
What you actually mean: This is usually used to describe something that is illogical or odd, such as “That’s so crazy that they laid off 15 people.”
What psychosis really is: Psychosis is a mental health condition that causes a significant loss of touch with reality. It is characterized by a combination of symptoms that can include: delusions, hallucinations, disorganized thinking and speech and change in behavior and affecting daily functioning.
“That is triggering.”
What you actually mean: This phrase is often used casually when someone feels annoyed or reminds them of an unpleasant memory.
What it actually means: To be "triggered" is to have an intense, overwhelming emotional or physical reaction (panic attack or flashback) in response to a reminder of a past trauma. This is particularly relevant for those with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
“You’re gaslighting me.”
What you actually mean: This typically refers to someone who is lying.
What it actually means: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse where a person intentionally tries to make someone doubt their own sanity or feelings. This usually isn't a one time thing but a pattern over time. Just because someone is lying or being unkind does not necessarily mean they are gaslighting you.
“I’m addicted to queso.”
What you actually mean: You really like something (such as queso cheese).
What an addiction really is: Addiction is defined as a chronic, relapsing disorder characterized by compulsive drug seeking, continued use despite harmful consequences. This causes long-lasting changes in the brain. Usually when used in this way, you don’t have a psychological dependency on the cheese but enjoy it so much that the thought of removing it from your diet would be difficult.
“She's such a narcissist"
What you actually mean: This is usually used to describe someone who is self-centered.
What Narcissism actually is: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable personality disorder. It is marked by a persistent pattern of grandiosity, a profound lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration. Just because someone on social media posts alot of selfies does not necessarily mean they have NPD.
“That was so traumatic.”
What you actually mean: This is usually used to describe a stressful event.
What trauma really is: Clinical trauma causes severe psychological impairments that can affect your daily functioning.
Big T trauma: These are events you typically think of to be traumatic (e.g. natural disaster; abuse; violent crime; war) These can cause severe and long lasting symptoms and may result in PTSD.
Little t Trauma: These are everyday experiences that are significantly distressing that lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges over time (e.g. bullying; loss of loved one; emotional neglect).This is distinct from an event being merely stressful or upsetting.
It may seem silly to change the way we talk about these things but this can have a deep impact on those who actually struggle with real mental health challenges. If we change our daily language we can help break the stigma associated with mental health. Remember you are not perfect. It can take some time to break habits. The first step is awareness.
Real Talk: Boundaries don’t ruin the holidays; they make room for more meaningful connection.
Holiday Gatherings. These can either be a blast or a whole lot of stress. For many families, they bring up big emotions, old patterns, and well-intended comments that don’t always land the way we hope. Below are some gentle reminders of what to be mindful of over the holidays (and a few things to maybe refrain from saying or doing, even if your intentions are good).
Hugs – Not all children or teens want hugs. Even if you are related, that does not mean we should dismiss someone’s boundaries. We want to teach kids that they have autonomy and can advocate for what they need. Ask for a hug first, and if they look hesitant, offer another, safer option—like a high five or fist bump.
“Wow, you must be hungry” – Try to refrain from judging someone’s food intake, especially during the holidays. We don’t know what someone may be going through, and when we say this it can feel shameful and create an unhealthy relationship with food. The best thing to do in this situation is to model healthy eating behaviors.
Asking Big Life Questions – This is a big one, so I’ll break it down. No one wants to come to a family gathering and feel interrogated about what they are doing with their life. These questions are often asked out of curiosity or care, but they can still feel overwhelming or intrusive.
Topics that fall under this category include:
“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“When are you having kids?”
“Did you choose a college yet?”
“What are you doing with your life?”
If someone wants to talk about these things, they will bring them up. Instead, try asking:
“What’s new?”
“How is school?”
“I heard you’ve been interested in robotics—tell me more about that.”
Negatively commenting on appearance (even when it’s meant as a joke) – We all know there is often some truth behind jokes. Instead of saying, “What’s with the bangs?” you can either refrain from commenting if you don’t have something kind to say, or try, “I noticed you got a new haircut.” Comments on appearance can uplift someone when they are respectful and caring, and they show our family and friends that we are paying attention.
Remember, no matter someone’s age, everyone’s boundaries deserve to be respected. The holidays are a great opportunity to practice creating spaces that feel emotionally safe, not just festive. And if you’re on the other side of this, remember that you are allowed to set your own boundaries too.
Welcome to Real Talk
Being human is hard! We live in a world where we feel the pressure to have it all together. This space is a gentle reminder that being human is messy, beautiful, overwhelming, and worth talking about. Real Talk is where we take the masks off, slow down, and get honest about what it means to care for our mental health, support our kids, and show up for ourselves.
Here, you’ll find:
Real-life parenting guidance grounded in child development and play therapy
Mental health support that’s practical and approachable
Self-care ideas that actually nourish your body and mind
Tools for connection (with yourself, your child, and the people you love)
Each week I will be posting a new blog topic anywhere from screen time use to holiday stress relief reminders. My hope is that this blog feels like sitting down with a warm cup of coffee (or tea) and taking a deep breath. Remember that you’re not alone in the hard moments.