Real Talk with Adrienne
Real Talk: Why do kids lie?
Why do kids lie?
The ability to lie is linked to cognitive development. Theory of Mind is the ability to understand that others have their own thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions, which may differ from one's own.
2-3 year olds lie typically to get out of a consequence. Lying at this age is not deceptive. Young child logic: “If I tell mom I did not break the picture, she will not get mad which means I did nothing wrong.”
3-4 year olds begin to experiment with lying as they start to understand their thoughts can differ from others, but do not fully understand the moral implications. They understand right from wrong but their desire to please adults is usually greater than the desire to be honest.
At 5 years old, children have typically refined their Theory of Mind skills.
4-6 year old may start lying intentionally to avoid punishment, gain approval, or test boundaries.
How to handle lying
Stay Calm: try to keep a neutral tone.
Discuss the Importance of Honesty.
Use Logical Consequence Not Punishments: If they lie about doing chores then they must complete the chore before a prefered activity.
Model Honesty: Kids learn from what they see. If a parent say “I give you an extra cookie but don’t tell Mom” they are learning that withholding information is okay.
Focus on the Behavior, Not the Child: Avoid labels like liar or cheater.
Find Validation: Think about why they may be lying
Imagination: Clint tells his peers that his dog saved a drowning man in the river.
Clint thinks it would be cool for his dog to rescue someone.
Validate his desire “It would be really cool if our dog could do that in real life.”
Desire: Billy lies about having a brother.
Billy has always wanted a brother.
“I know you wish you had a brother, who in your life seems like a brother to you?” Try to have a open conversation and identify the feels and desires.
Avoid punishment: Tisha forgot to do her homework again and created a lie about why she couldn’t complete it.
Tisha thinks if she has an excuse she won’t get into trouble.
“I understand you don’t want to get a 0 on this assignment. What can we do to set you up for success next time?”
Gain approval: Kim told the class she went to Paris over the weekend.
She wanted to impress the girls in the class.
“I know it’s really important to you to be friends with these girls. You do so many other cool things. You could tell them about _________ that you did the other week.”
Evading responsibility: Claire lies about being sick.
She does not want to take a test at school and feels unprepared.
“I know you have a big test today. How are you feeling about it?”
Testing boundaries: Gil told his mom he finished his dinner and instead threw it away.
Gil is trying to see what he can get away with.
Provide Gil choices to help him feel more in control. “Gil, I found your food in the trash. When you choose not to eat your food, you are choosing not to have dessert. When you eat your dinner you are choosing to have dessert”
Seeking attention: Mia told her parents she won a contest at school by running 15 laps around the playground.
Mia wants her parents to be proud of her.
Start to bring attention to things Mia is doing that you can praise. “You like it when I feel proud of you. I am so proud of the hard work you’ve been putting into your school work.”
Notice How You Respond: Lying has a purpose. Children are trying to communicate something to you. If your child lies about low grades/test score, think about how you have reacted in the past. Do you yell and punish your child for these grades? Maybe they are afraid of how you may react this time and it feels safer to lie.
How to help them feel safe to tell the truth
Listen: Listen without blame.
Show empathy and concern.
Use characters they like to help connect and soften the conversation: “What would superman say in this situation?”
Relate by providing a personal example about when you were in a similar situation. “When I was your age, I felt really worried about getting into trouble when I broke something so I would make up stories. But then I remembered that my parents love me and want me to be honest.”
Stick with the facts: “I know you said that you didn’t draw on the wall and your hand has red marker on it”.
Try to make it a learning opportunity: “It is important to you tell the truth so that next time I can show you where the paper is to color on.” OR “I know you said that you did not eat the cookies and I see crumbs on your face. It is important that you tell me when you eat sweets so that you don’t get a tummy ache.”
Thank them when they are honest.
Real Talk: What does Grief, Friendships, and Elevators Have in Common?
Right now, in both my life and the lives of others, I have noticed a theme of loss. Loss, not in the sense of death but instead loss of friendship. We constantly evolve and so do our friends. We change independently with our goals, interests, energy level, health, and time. And we change together as a unit. Some friendships stay intact and flow together, while others dissolve and separate, ebbing in different directions.
For teens this can be a difficult concept to understand. The other day I heard a wonderful analogy to relate to this occurrence. As we change it is like we step onto an elevator. The top floor is our destination, our goals. We make stops at each floor as we make our way up. Each floor being a new stage of life or life event (e.g. middle school, puberty, highschool, first job, etc). Inside our elevator we have our support system. Maybe we started with a packed elevator full of friends, but as we stop at each floor some friends make their exit. As we move through life and move toward the goal, the elevator may get weighted down. Instead of the elevator moving up smooth and steady there are jerks and little movement to the next floor. Maybe the elevator even gets cold and dark.
Notice the people in your elevator. Is anyone holding you back from moving up? It may be time for those people to exit the elevator and make room for new friends to enter. Sometimes new people enter our elevator and the elevator feels light and warm. Notice the shifts. When we are young, we believe everyone to be our friend. We run to the playground and everyone there has become our bestie. Our 5 year birthday party consists of everyone in kindergarten and you rent out the entire party room. As you age, that group becomes smaller and sometimes teens can feel a great sense of loss and sadness as they notice this change.
But what happens when you have a jam packed elevator? It's slow and heavy; it's uncomfortable and stuffy. Sometimes a smaller group of friends can help the elevator move faster and more efficiently.
Real Talk: Neurodiversity: What does this actually mean?
Neuro- brain
Diversity- different
Neurodiversity encompasses the brains that are wired differently than the typical developed brain.
But aren’t all brains different?
Yes, everyone’s brain anatomy is slightly different based on genetics and environmental factors, however those that have neurotypical brains align with the standard brain development that society deems as normal based on social, cognitive, and emotional milestones. Neurodivergent brains have more unique structural differences and process information differently that the typical developing brain.
The neurodiversity movement emphasises that the differences in brain development is not flawed and needs to be fixed but instead views these differences as a function of natural variation of the human genome.
What falls into the category of neurodivergence?
Autism
Brain scans of autistic teens show rapid growth of amygdala. The amygdala helps with the processing of emotions (i.e. specifically, fear, anger, and anxiety) and activates the fight or flight response. The hippocampus is also shown to be larger, which is the memory center. There is also a lot of over connectivity and underconnectivity in certain areas (i.e. the brain communicates alot to one part of the brain but not enough to the other).
Dyslexia
Research shows reduced grey matter volume in those with dyslexia (i.e. the folds of the brain are different that a neurotypical brain).
ADHD
In children with ADHD, the prefrontal cortex is smaller. This is the part of the brain that is in charge of executive functioning, working memory, and attention.
OCD
Images of those with OCD show larger striatum which is involved in habit formation.
Neurodiversity refers to these differences in the brain as just that, differences, not a disability that needs to be cured but a desire for inclusion.
As a therapist that works with the neurodiverse population, my goal isn’t to cure anyone's Autism or ADHD but instead build healthy self-esteem regarding hardships and labels, increase the ability to regulate emotions, and help them navigate the world socially as it isn't always set up to accommodate these brain types.
Real Talk: Mental Health is Not a Metaphor: How Our Words Shape Mental Health Stigma
In day-to-day language we don’t typically stop and think about phrases we often use. Some phrases have been in our vernacular for decades with little pause to what the phrase may actually mean. Here is a list of phrases that perhaps we should reconsider as they relate to mental health.
“The weather is so bipolar.”
What you actually mean: The weather is unpredictable, one minute it’s raining then it’s sunny. When using it to describe a person, it’s probably meant to convey someone’s mood swings up and down, happy then sad/mad.
What the diagnosis of bi-polar really is: Bipolar Disorder is a mental health disorder. It is characterized by alternating episodes of significantly elevated (mania) and depressed mood. TJust because someone is feeling sad and happy within the same day does not constitute a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It is not simply being moody or unpredictable.
“I’m so OCD.”
What you actually mean: You probably have particularities about certain things. You might not like germs or like things to be organized. Being overly organized or conscientious of germs is not disordered.
What the diagnosis of OCD really is: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder involves both obsessions (recurrent and intrusive thoughts, images, or urges that cause significant anxiety or distress) and compulsions (repetitive behaviors or mental acts that the individual feels driven to perform in response to obsessions or according to rigid rules) that cause significant distress and interfere with daily functioning.
“I’m so depressed.”
What you actually mean: Most people experience a state of sadness due to a circumstance that is occurring right now. This is a feeling that you can feel from time to time but is not persistent.
What clinical depression really is: Clinical depression (Major Depressive Disorder) is a long-lasting and severe condition. It involves persistent feelings of hopelessness, fatigue, and a loss of interest in activities, significantly impacting daily life. Feeling depressed isn't simply feeling sad.
“We trauma bonded.”
What you actually mean: Most people feel a connection to people through discussing a similar situation, such as two people that have both experienced a toxic relationship. Maybe you have made a new friend by relating to their similar traumatic event.
What a trauma bond actually means: A trauma bond is when a victim feels a very strong bond or connection to their abuser. There is a pattern of abuse followed by kindness that creates a dependency toward the abuser.
“That’s so psycho/crazy.”
What you actually mean: This is usually used to describe something that is illogical or odd, such as “That’s so crazy that they laid off 15 people.”
What psychosis really is: Psychosis is a mental health condition that causes a significant loss of touch with reality. It is characterized by a combination of symptoms that can include: delusions, hallucinations, disorganized thinking and speech and change in behavior and affecting daily functioning.
“That is triggering.”
What you actually mean: This phrase is often used casually when someone feels annoyed or reminds them of an unpleasant memory.
What it actually means: To be "triggered" is to have an intense, overwhelming emotional or physical reaction (panic attack or flashback) in response to a reminder of a past trauma. This is particularly relevant for those with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
“You’re gaslighting me.”
What you actually mean: This typically refers to someone who is lying.
What it actually means: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse where a person intentionally tries to make someone doubt their own sanity or feelings. This usually isn't a one time thing but a pattern over time. Just because someone is lying or being unkind does not necessarily mean they are gaslighting you.
“I’m addicted to queso.”
What you actually mean: You really like something (such as queso cheese).
What an addiction really is: Addiction is defined as a chronic, relapsing disorder characterized by compulsive drug seeking, continued use despite harmful consequences. This causes long-lasting changes in the brain. Usually when used in this way, you don’t have a psychological dependency on the cheese but enjoy it so much that the thought of removing it from your diet would be difficult.
“She's such a narcissist"
What you actually mean: This is usually used to describe someone who is self-centered.
What Narcissism actually is: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable personality disorder. It is marked by a persistent pattern of grandiosity, a profound lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration. Just because someone on social media posts alot of selfies does not necessarily mean they have NPD.
“That was so traumatic.”
What you actually mean: This is usually used to describe a stressful event.
What trauma really is: Clinical trauma causes severe psychological impairments that can affect your daily functioning.
Big T trauma: These are events you typically think of to be traumatic (e.g. natural disaster; abuse; violent crime; war) These can cause severe and long lasting symptoms and may result in PTSD.
Little t Trauma: These are everyday experiences that are significantly distressing that lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges over time (e.g. bullying; loss of loved one; emotional neglect).This is distinct from an event being merely stressful or upsetting.
It may seem silly to change the way we talk about these things but this can have a deep impact on those who actually struggle with real mental health challenges. If we change our daily language we can help break the stigma associated with mental health. Remember you are not perfect. It can take some time to break habits. The first step is awareness.
Real Talk: Boundaries don’t ruin the holidays; they make room for more meaningful connection.
Holiday Gatherings. These can either be a blast or a whole lot of stress. For many families, they bring up big emotions, old patterns, and well-intended comments that don’t always land the way we hope. Below are some gentle reminders of what to be mindful of over the holidays (and a few things to maybe refrain from saying or doing, even if your intentions are good).
Hugs – Not all children or teens want hugs. Even if you are related, that does not mean we should dismiss someone’s boundaries. We want to teach kids that they have autonomy and can advocate for what they need. Ask for a hug first, and if they look hesitant, offer another, safer option—like a high five or fist bump.
“Wow, you must be hungry” – Try to refrain from judging someone’s food intake, especially during the holidays. We don’t know what someone may be going through, and when we say this it can feel shameful and create an unhealthy relationship with food. The best thing to do in this situation is to model healthy eating behaviors.
Asking Big Life Questions – This is a big one, so I’ll break it down. No one wants to come to a family gathering and feel interrogated about what they are doing with their life. These questions are often asked out of curiosity or care, but they can still feel overwhelming or intrusive.
Topics that fall under this category include:
“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
“When are you having kids?”
“Did you choose a college yet?”
“What are you doing with your life?”
If someone wants to talk about these things, they will bring them up. Instead, try asking:
“What’s new?”
“How is school?”
“I heard you’ve been interested in robotics—tell me more about that.”
Negatively commenting on appearance (even when it’s meant as a joke) – We all know there is often some truth behind jokes. Instead of saying, “What’s with the bangs?” you can either refrain from commenting if you don’t have something kind to say, or try, “I noticed you got a new haircut.” Comments on appearance can uplift someone when they are respectful and caring, and they show our family and friends that we are paying attention.
Remember, no matter someone’s age, everyone’s boundaries deserve to be respected. The holidays are a great opportunity to practice creating spaces that feel emotionally safe, not just festive. And if you’re on the other side of this, remember that you are allowed to set your own boundaries too.
Welcome to Real Talk
Being human is hard! We live in a world where we feel the pressure to have it all together. This space is a gentle reminder that being human is messy, beautiful, overwhelming, and worth talking about. Real Talk is where we take the masks off, slow down, and get honest about what it means to care for our mental health, support our kids, and show up for ourselves.
Here, you’ll find:
Real-life parenting guidance grounded in child development and play therapy
Mental health support that’s practical and approachable
Self-care ideas that actually nourish your body and mind
Tools for connection (with yourself, your child, and the people you love)
Each week I will be posting a new blog topic anywhere from screen time use to holiday stress relief reminders. My hope is that this blog feels like sitting down with a warm cup of coffee (or tea) and taking a deep breath. Remember that you’re not alone in the hard moments.