Real Talk: How to Build Healthy Self-Esteem in Children Without Creating Entitlement
Healthy self-esteem helps children feel capable, confident, and resilient, but this is different from entitlement.
Self-esteem grows when kids are encouraged, supported, and allowed to try new things. They are supported when they make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes instead of internalizing the mistakes as personal failures. They learn to try new things and even if they do not succeed the first time they will be surrounded by encouragement and support. This external encouragement turns into internal encouragement. The narrative becomes, “It is not about always winning, but having the courage to always try.”
Entitlement develops when children expect praise, rewards, or special treatment without effort. The narrative is “It doesn’t matter if I win or lose because I know I am getting a reward at the end.” This mindset can form from a lack of clear boundaries, overuse of or excess to material items, and overprotective parenting. If a parent is constantly removing obstacles the child is not building frustration tolerance. They are learning that they can avoid hard things and start to develop unrealistic expectations.
Building Self-Esteem
Parents can empower children by celebrating progress, teaching responsibility, and setting appropriate limits. This helps them build genuine confidence based on effort and not in expecting the world to adjust for them.
Boundaries: Set appropriate boundaries and stay consistent. Follow through is so important when we set limits. If we “give in” (for example: let them have one more cookie) they begin to believe that the rules do not apply. Also watch out for reinforcement for unwanted behaviors. When we think about operant conditioning, if we give a reward right after a behavior we are rewarding that behavior. If you “give in” after your child yells or whines, they learn that if they yell or whine they will get a reward.
Praise: Notice what behaviors you praise. It we are overpraising ordinary everyday tasks, then the child will begin to believe they need praise for everything they do. Developmental age plays a part here as you will praise different thing for younger kids as they build their skills. Remember to praise the effort, not the outcome. If you only praise a child when they get an A on a test they may learn that the A is the only thing that matters no matter how it is achieved (e.g. cheating). But if you ask the child questions about what they learned or the effort they took to study for the test then this will be where they put the most effort.
Responsibility: Give children appropriate tasks to build responsibility. Give them small chores around the house that they must complete regularly. Allow children to struggle and solve problems on their own without your automatic help. When our first response is to intervene or “save” it teaches children that someone else will solve all their problems. Instead help guide them (example: “I will stand with you as you ask your friend for another cupcake”). Many times, kids are testing limits to see what all they will be able to get away with. If they ask for your help before even trying on their own they are testing to see if they even need to try. If you know your child can do it on their own, let they try and struggle. If you know they cannot do something on their own, partner with them. Example: If your child does not know how to tie their shoes you would not just say figure it out. You may choose to take one side and do it first while they loop the other side. Yes, you are helping them, but you are not doing everything for them.
Comparison: Try not to compare your child to others. When we compare them to others they believe they are better and should be treated differently. Focus on their own efforts, contingent on their own behavior.
A note on neurodiversity
The world is not set up for a child with developmental differences. Expectation and norms are created for the neurotypical brain. This can cause much anxiety when parenting a child with low frustration tolerance or large emotional outbursts. These parents may notice themselves avoiding certain situations and providing more rewards to these children for everyday tasks.
Differentiate accommodations and entitlement. Help your child understands that accommodations for their neurology are essential tools, not privileges or excuses. Things like a separate room for testing, noise-canceling headphones, or extra breaks are offered to help leveling the playing field to meet their needs. Help children understand that even accommodations may not always achieve success. Their diagnosis will not be a reason they do not follow rules, but instead can help them advocate for what they need.
Responsibility: Just like above these children need to learn how to take responsibility without expecting an adult to always save them. Give them developmentally appropriate tasks. Provide clear expectations for the tasks and break it down into separate tasks. Example: Instead of “do the dishes” break it down to 1. Bring all the plates, silverware, and cups to the sink 2. Wash all dishes with soap and water 3. Place all items on the drying rack.
Praise and Rewards: Sometimes these type of brains need more rewards to build motivation and follow through. But, be careful as we do not want to set a child up for expecting a reward for everything they do. If a child has very low frustration tolerance you may need to provide a reward for just sitting down at the table and attempting 1 math problem. Next time you may try 3 math problems and add on from there. If you know this is something very challenging for your child you can start small. Remember to only provide a reward when they have followed through on something desirable. If the deal is they get a treat after 3 math problems but they only completed 1, then they do not get the treat.
Practice Accepting “No”: They need to learn that they may not always get their way. This may cause a large reaction. Have your child practice accepting no at home. Make is into a game. Have them ask you silly questions throughout the day that you say no to and they have to say “okay I accept that.” Example: “Can you buy me a pony?” “Can we eat icecream for dinner?” “Can we move to Alaska?”
We all want our children to feel seen, heard, and important. Build your child up by supporting them with praise and encouragement, set consistent limits, and give them appropriate responsibility.
