Real Talk: It is Hard to Show Empathy for Big Emotions
It’s 7 am. A school day. You need to get both your kids in the car in 10 minutes, packed, dressed, with their hair and teeth brushed. You son is compliant and is ready to go. You daughter starts her daily screaming match. Tear rolling down her face as she fights you with every ounce of her being. Today she doesn’t like the meal you packed in her lunch. Yesterday it was because she was going to miss you too much, the day before her shoes were too tight. You want to start to scream and cry too as you quickly become dysregulated.
Parenting is hard! Parenting a highly sensitive child is even harder!
You are not going to do everything perfectly all the time. There are probably times you look back and know you could have handled a situation better or you should not have yelled back. Maybe it’s difficult to find empathy for you child in these moments.
Below, are some effective ways to handle these outbursts and to build your own understanding of these big emotions.
Validate
Do: Validate how they are feeling. “I know you are feeling upset right now.” Even if the behavior is not valid, or you don’t totally understand why they are feeling the way they are, remember that the way they feel is their experience. Communicate that you understand how they feel.
Don’t: Tell them to calm down or that it’s not a big deal. This invalidates their experience and can cause they to feel isolated and misunderstood. Maybe it does not seem like a big deal to you but to them it is overwhelming. Usually, these statements result in a even bigger emotional outburst.
Focus on Understanding Without Labeling
Do: Communicate what you think occured. “It looked like you got upset when you didn’t get passed the ball.” This communicates understanding and invites further conversation. Even if what you saw wasn’t what they experienced, this will help you to better understand your child’s thought process. And don’t worry about getting it wrong. Your child will tell you if that is not what happened.
Don’t: Label the child as cry baby or dramatic. Even telling your child “be a big girl/boy” or “be brave” can cause them to suppress feelings and feel dismissed. This is different than asking if they are able to finish out the game and talk more about their feeling when they get home.
Focus Their Experience
Do: Focus on how they are feeling in a situation. “Everyone reacts a little differently in this kind of situation. Seems like this was tough for you.” Showing empathy can be difficult especially when you are struggling to understand their experience. If you are struggling with this maybe this is a good time to journal and think about how you feel in these situations. Confusion and frustration may be common emotions when children are having large emotional outbursts. What would help you to better understand their experience? If your child has a diagnosis of Autism or ADHD maybe do some research to learn more about how this affects the brain’s processing of emotional stimuli.
Don’t: Compare them to other children. This can be really easy to do especially if your child is singled out. Comparing them makes them feel inadequate. Even if you notice that all the other children follow the rules and accepts the situation without crying and screaming let them know that you see them and understand it is hard.
Encourage Problem Solving Together
Do: Focus on the solution. Ask “what can you do next time?” Allow them time to try to think of their own solutions before offering one. Role-play and practice with them so they feel more confident in a similar situation. If they have a favorite character or stuffie ask them how that character may react and if it happens again remind them of that character.
Don’t: Criticize or judge. Notice your tone and facial expressions. Are you portraying judgement with your face/voice. Try to be congruent here and find a way to understand their reaction. Kids can see through our mask, so try to practice empathy at home. And it is okay for you to step away from a situation to regroup. You are not a robot. You also need to practice how you regulate your emotions during the same situation. Verbalize this. “Mommy needs to work on staying calm when she does not understand why you may be upset. Next time, I am going to walk away and take a few breaths before coming over to help you.”
