Real Talk: Why Too Much Praise May Be Doing More Harm Than Good

At first glance, praise seems like good parenting. And I would agree. Children often thrive with some level of praise. AND too much praise cause cause external motivation, anxiety, and validation seeking.

Internal vs. External Motivation

Behavioral conditioning tells us that in order to increase the likelihood of a outcome, you praise or reward the behavior. You want your child to continue to receive As in school so you reward them when they receive an A. If we praise or reward a child every time they do something they may start to create external motivation. Yes, we want a child to clean their room because we don’t want to clean it. But really we want a child to clean their room to create routine, take responsibility for their things, and learn how to keep their space clean. We want a child to build a desire to have a clean space. We don’t want a child to only clean their room in order to please a parent. We praise a child for getting good grades because we want a child to learn. We don’t want a child to only make good grades because they know they will be praised and rewarded for the good grade. Notice if your child expects praise or a reward after every time they do something praiseworthy. Notice if the behavior stops if you stop providing praise. If we provide too much praise too often then they may begin to expect this from us causing external motivation rather than internal motivation.

Praise vs. Encouragement

Praise

Praise can look like “good job”, “You’re painting is beautiful, “I am so proud of you.” Praise focuses on the outcome/product and can foster dependance. As I mentioned above, praise is an attempt to motivate children with external reward. The focus tis now what you, the parent, considers worthy of praise (i.e. “If Mom considered this good, I will get a reward). This can then be internalized as my worth depends upon the opinions of others. Praise employs words that place value judgments on children and focuses on external evaluation.

For example:

• “You’re painting is beautiful. I love it!” may be heard as “will my parent love the painting if it is not beautiful?”

• “You’re such a good boy/girl.” Your child may hear, “Am I only accepted when I am good?”

• “I am so proud of you.” Sends the message that the parent’s evaluation of the child is more important their their own.

Encouragment

Encouragement focuses on the effort and internal evaluation. This builds self-control and interal motivation. Encouragment builds self-eseteem by helping kids accept mistakes, learn from them, and build confidence. These kids develop qualities of persistence and determination and tend to be good problem-solvers.

• Value Statements

  • Try to minimize value statements like good, great, excellent, and perfect. Especially for neurodiverse individuals they can attach to those words and become scripted.

• Matching

  • Try to match a child’s level of of affect. If a child has a content affect try not to be overly excited. Of course is a child is upset or yelling you want to be more neutral (don’t match in this case).

  • If your child is excited about getting on the soccer team you may respond likewise with excitement in your voice, “You’re really proud of that!”

• Celebrate

  • Use after-the-event celebrations (based on child’s pride in the achievement) instead of rewards (external motivators to get the child to achieve) to recognize achievement. In the above example, you could add “Sounds like something to celebrate; let’s get ice cream.”

Encouraging Phrases

Effort and Improvement:

1. “You did it!” or “You got it!”

2. “You really worked hard on that.”

3. “You didn’t give up.”

4. “Look at the progress you’ve made…” (Be specific so they can really see how they have improved)

5. “That is the fastest you’ve ever completed your homework. Seems like you really understand the concept.”

Confidence:

1. “You’ll figure it out.”

2. “Sounds like you have a plan.”

3. “Sounds like you know a lot about…  .”

It is important that we build a child up by showing them they their own internal motivation and self-concept is really what is going to drive them to be the best version of themselves. Show children that you do not put a value of acceptance. That you accept them for who they are. You see the positive aspect of their behaviors and you believe in them. Instead of requiring achievement (a product) you recognize effort and progress. The goal is not the A on the test or to never make a mistake, the goal is to try your best and to improve. The above information was gathered from The Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) book by Sue C. Bratton and Garry L. Landreth.