Real Talk: Why do kids lie?
Why do kids lie?
The ability to lie is linked to cognitive development. Theory of Mind is the ability to understand that others have their own thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions, which may differ from one's own.
2-3 year olds lie typically to get out of a consequence. Lying at this age is not deceptive. Young child logic: “If I tell mom I did not break the picture, she will not get mad which means I did nothing wrong.”
3-4 year olds begin to experiment with lying as they start to understand their thoughts can differ from others, but do not fully understand the moral implications. They understand right from wrong but their desire to please adults is usually greater than the desire to be honest.
At 5 years old, children have typically refined their Theory of Mind skills.
4-6 year old may start lying intentionally to avoid punishment, gain approval, or test boundaries.
How to handle lying
Stay Calm: try to keep a neutral tone.
Discuss the Importance of Honesty.
Use Logical Consequence Not Punishments: If they lie about doing chores then they must complete the chore before a prefered activity.
Model Honesty: Kids learn from what they see. If a parent say “I give you an extra cookie but don’t tell Mom” they are learning that withholding information is okay.
Focus on the Behavior, Not the Child: Avoid labels like liar or cheater.
Find Validation: Think about why they may be lying
Imagination: Clint tells his peers that his dog saved a drowning man in the river.
Clint thinks it would be cool for his dog to rescue someone.
Validate his desire “It would be really cool if our dog could do that in real life.”
Desire: Billy lies about having a brother.
Billy has always wanted a brother.
“I know you wish you had a brother, who in your life seems like a brother to you?” Try to have a open conversation and identify the feels and desires.
Avoid punishment: Tisha forgot to do her homework again and created a lie about why she couldn’t complete it.
Tisha thinks if she has an excuse she won’t get into trouble.
“I understand you don’t want to get a 0 on this assignment. What can we do to set you up for success next time?”
Gain approval: Kim told the class she went to Paris over the weekend.
She wanted to impress the girls in the class.
“I know it’s really important to you to be friends with these girls. You do so many other cool things. You could tell them about _________ that you did the other week.”
Evading responsibility: Claire lies about being sick.
She does not want to take a test at school and feels unprepared.
“I know you have a big test today. How are you feeling about it?”
Testing boundaries: Gil told his mom he finished his dinner and instead threw it away.
Gil is trying to see what he can get away with.
Provide Gil choices to help him feel more in control. “Gil, I found your food in the trash. When you choose not to eat your food, you are choosing not to have dessert. When you eat your dinner you are choosing to have dessert”
Seeking attention: Mia told her parents she won a contest at school by running 15 laps around the playground.
Mia wants her parents to be proud of her.
Start to bring attention to things Mia is doing that you can praise. “You like it when I feel proud of you. I am so proud of the hard work you’ve been putting into your school work.”
Notice How You Respond: Lying has a purpose. Children are trying to communicate something to you. If your child lies about low grades/test score, think about how you have reacted in the past. Do you yell and punish your child for these grades? Maybe they are afraid of how you may react this time and it feels safer to lie.
How to help them feel safe to tell the truth
Listen: Listen without blame.
Show empathy and concern.
Use characters they like to help connect and soften the conversation: “What would superman say in this situation?”
Relate by providing a personal example about when you were in a similar situation. “When I was your age, I felt really worried about getting into trouble when I broke something so I would make up stories. But then I remembered that my parents love me and want me to be honest.”
Stick with the facts: “I know you said that you didn’t draw on the wall and your hand has red marker on it”.
Try to make it a learning opportunity: “It is important to you tell the truth so that next time I can show you where the paper is to color on.” OR “I know you said that you did not eat the cookies and I see crumbs on your face. It is important that you tell me when you eat sweets so that you don’t get a tummy ache.”
Thank them when they are honest.
