Real Talk: How Do We Build Confident Kids?

The last things you want to hear is “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do it". It can just crush us to hear our kids talk this way or give up immediately on a task. You as the parent see all the wonderful things about your child and you can tell them all these great things about them but they still tear themselves down. My last blog discussed the importance of modeling. When we as the adult model confidence is can instill confidence in our kids too. Below are some other tips to help build a child’s self-esteem.

Notice Their Interests

Identify that you notice what they like or what they do well. Use statements like “You know alot about that” and “You just taught me about something I didn’t know”. This serves as a good reminder for them that they have strengths. Even if a child denies this, continue to verbally notice.

Your child is a perfectionist when it comes to their art. You’ve noticed them crumple up their art work or talk bad about it when it’s done. Don’t just praise the artwork by saying it’s beutiful. Instead, notice their body langauge as they were working, notice the details of the art. “You worked very hard on all the tiny detail of the tree’s leaves.”

Ask for Their Expertise

Ask your child to teach you something that they know well, even if you already know how. This can be a game, hobby, or skill. This in itself can boost a child self-esteem. Remember the purpose of this is to boost self-esteem. If a child teaches you how to play a game and they actually are incorrect, this is not a time to correct them. It actual rules of the game are irrelevant in this moment. You can smile and say, “This is a new way to play this game that I have never learned before.” This not only builds their confidence but also shows them that you are listening and understand them.

Your child knows alot about Minecraft. You notice they get easily frustrated but it is their go to game. You sit down next to them this time and say “I know you love this game but you have never showed me how to play. Can you teach me?” They light up as they show you what all the different buttons on the control do and the tasks they have completed in the game.

Focus on the Gain Not the Gap

Focus on what they did well not what they did not do. Most of the time a child is already punishing themselves internally for doing something wrong. Try not to add to this with additional punishment, especially if the task was something for fun. Bring to their attention what you noticed they did well. This can help you and your child focus on achievements, however small. Model this behavior in your own life. If something does not go as planned, for example you try a new recipe for dinner, focus on how this was an experiment with a new spice and maybe the texture of the dish you do like. Focus on what went well.

You child missed some fly balls and at the baseball game and their team lost. Your child comes over to you with their head down and streaks of tears on their face. You look at them and say, “You know what I noticed, when you hit the ball during the second inning, you got your team a point.” There is always something to highlight, even if this was their worst game. “I saw how happy you were when you got up to bat.” Or “I noticed that even though this was a tough day for you, you still came out and tried for your team. That shows how important this team is to you.”

Encourage Problem Solving

It is normal to want to solve a problem for your child. Instead, encourage your child to find a solution. Tell them you are going to support them and that you know they can find a solution. This teaches kids to work through problems on their own instead of relying heavily on you. This carries into adolescence when they have more independence and have to make decisions on their own. We want to be able to trust our children to make big decision. Starting in early childhood, you can build this confidence to make decisions and problem solve. Let your child be uncomfortable and try new things. If you child really is struggling, partner with them to problem solve.

Your tween was invited to two birthday parties on the same day. They are very stressed as they want to go to both parties and ask you want to do. You look at them and say “That is a tough decision because I know you want to be a supportive friend.” They ask you to choose for them but you say that this is not your decision to make but you will listen as they try to work it out.

Your 5 year old is trying to open the bag of chips. You’ve showed them how to do this in the past. You see them getting more frustrated. If you always do this for them, they will not learn how to do it on their own. You know they are fully capable of doing this but it would be so easy to just do it for them. You also know if you do this for them they won’t build frustration tolerance. They ask you to open the bag. You say, “I know these bags are really tricky and I know you can do it on your own. I see you grabbing both sides like you learned. I know you can figure this out.” Through grunting and whining, they open the bag and they yell “I did it all by myself!”

Highlight Your Imperfections

Let your child see you make a mistake. Kids can have a unrealistic view that adults are perfect. Show them that you make mistakes too and that it’s okay. You too can learn and bounce back from mistakes. Color outside the lines and laugh and make it into something different. Make a meal and don’t go by the recipe. Especially if you have a high achieving child with perfectionist tendencies, intentionally do thing “wrong”. Make mistakes on purpose. Maybe perfectionism is something that you struggle with yourself. This is a great opportunity to build your own confidence. Mistakes make us human and we can survive through them.

You are in the waiting room at the doctor’s office and notice that you have two different color sock on. You look to your child and say, “Look, Mommy was in such a hurry today, I put on different socks.” Your child giggles with you and says “That’s okay, that makes you stand out in a good way.”

You are at parent teacher conference and call the teacher the wrong name. After the meeting, you tell your child, “I made a mistake during the meeting, I accidentally called your teacher Mrs. Smith.” You child laughs and says “That was my teacher last year.” You say “I apologized to Mrs. Green and she said it was no big deal. Even Mommy can get confused and forget things sometimes.”

Confidently be Unconfident

This may seem contradictory. It takes confidence to identify when we do not know it all. To be able to say, I don’t have all the answers. Sometimes we put too much pressure on yourselves to be the best or to know it all, so we wear a mask to the world. It can take confidence for a child to say, I don’t know and I need help. There is of course a balance here between asking for too much help and not asking for any help. Help guide your child to find this balance by modeling this behavior. You as parent do not have all the answers. Tell your child when you do not know. This goes along with modeling making mistakes. This teaches your child that adults don’t know everything.

Your child is working on math homework. They ask you about fractions but it has been a long time since you have done anything with fractions and cannot remember how to do this. You look and them and say “I am going to be honest, I do not remember how to do this. I can help look this up and we can learn together.”

Your at the dentist’s office and your child asks you about different teeth facts. Some of these questions you believe you should know but you don’t remember. Instead of beating yourself up about not knowing. You confidently look at your child and say, “I actually don’t know the answer to those questions but I bet the dentist will know. Let’s ask her.”